15 reasons why you shouldn’t date a Gujju boy.

Statutory Warning: Everything said in this post is all in good humor. I am a Gujarati girl myself.

Round rotis

So my list making continues to an extent where I’ve started bitching about my own people. Yes, all of you are my own people cause I’m a human and you are humans and all that but Gujaratis are MY PEOPLE.

I’ve grown up mostly around Gujju boys so didn’t really realize how funny they could be until I spent time with a lot of non-Gujjus.
So here’s a list of why one shouldn’t date a Gujju boy.

 

15. In most probability the Gujju boy will be a vegetarian. Even if he pretends to eat/lick the non-veg food that you offer, he’ll not tell his parents about it and his excuse will be that he’s just doing that to ‘fit in’. (I’m a vegetarian.)
14. Gujju boy will not be very educated but he’ll obviously be great with money. Even if he sucks at math he’ll count your notes like a pro. You don’t want to date a ‘Note Counting Machine’.
13. He has very few options in mind post college. He would either want to join the diamond market, start dealing in shares, open a small stationery/ general store shop or get into some chill job in the film industry. Less work, more money, you see?
12. He comes with baggage. Literally. His paunch.
11. He has a bald patch. If he doesn’t have it already, he will eventually get it.
10. He’ll expect you to cook. ‘Darling, please make me hot rotis with this vegetable?’ Sigh. Go ask your mom to pamper you, please?
9. His shirt has all sorts of gross patterns stitched on them. Flowers and ‘mehendi designs’ are all nicely embroidered on his wacky loud shirts. If they’re plain do expect them to be of some hideous shade.
8. He cannot dance at a party. You’ll spot him either standing at one corner having Coca Cola or doing Dandiya right in the center of the club. You’ll also periodically see him do his classy neck movements when he shakes a leg.
7. Food is his ultimate priority. He cannot travel anywhere without carrying a packet of something cooked at home. ‘Thepla’ and pickle will be his priority though.
6. Some men like it when you can sing/ dance, some like it when you go all dirty on him. He’ll LOVE you if you can cook him nice ‘undhiyu’. (It’s a mix vegetable dish, in case y’all are wondering.)
5. He cannot talk in proper English. He just cannot. Either his language sucks or the way he writes/types. There’ll rarely be a Gujju boy who’ll sweep you off your feet with his words.
4. He can’t come up with smart comebacks. The internet is ruling the minds but the Gujju won’t come out of his calculator. He won’t know how Twitter functions, he won’t get the reason why one shouldn’t like their own status/ picture or even how you should respond to a certain joke.
Friend: Knock knock!
Gujju Boy: What? You’re stupid or what?
3. He’s a die-hard cricket follower. So much that it gets annoying. But of course, if he won’t watch, how will he bet on the teams with his friends?
2. He uses Sampoo and not shampoo. He won’t even know what a conditioner would be good for. Though he obviously will have it in his bathroom.
1. If he gets into a bar fight, no one will take him seriously once he decides to abuse. When you hear stuff like ‘aye vaydo!’, ‘vaaghri’ or ‘chaaplo’, you won’t go all, ‘What the hell did you just say?’, you’ll just go, ‘Hahahahahahaha! Acha bhai sorry, okay?’

Dexter’s Laboratory

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All of us dreamed to own that laboratory. We sighed after he accomplished some mission. We hated when Dee Dee entered his lab to ruin his experiments. We sometimes even cried at the fact that our tiny little houses didn’t have this huge reading room which would lead us to this huge-ass lab which our parents weren’t aware of.
Quick question, who paid for all that electricity bill? Bill Clinton? (Okay, not funny.)

I always wondered how these characters would be when the grew up, like all of us. Would they have successful promising careers like we guess they would or would they end up hating their lives more than the kids below the poverty line in India.

*And then Breaking Bad happened*
(No. Before we start the question and answer round, I don’t watch breaking bad. I’ve just seen one episode. Enough for me to make a reference, here.)

So, what struck my brain was, what if, Dexter grew up to become a Meth producer? Like, he already has a secret lab that no one knows of. What else does he need? Not like he goes out to buy whatever resources he needs, he has it all! So, he starts his meth producing lab and as usual our Dee Dee in her late 20’s enters the lab in her own jolly, jumpy ways. “Oooh what does this bottle have? Can I drink it, Dexter?” And before he can say,”Dee Dee, NOOO!”, she has already gulped it down her throat.

*ZOOP*ZAP*SNAP*GOBBLE*GIGGLE*STUMBLE*STRETCH*FART*

Oh sorry, the fart wasn’t supposed to be there.
Anyway, so she likes it. The lab is pink and all that. The robots are dancing with her. Rainbows and Ponies and Lalala.
She becomes an addict. Starts becoming even more hyper. Even more thinner. Now that you look at her, she already looks like a meth addict to me. Of course she doesn’t sleep for long cause more than half of the time you see her sneaking around in Dexter’s room. She’s frail and hyper too.

Did I imagine that by the end of this post, I’d come to realize something this weird? No. Childhood ruined.

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One.. Two.. Three..

There she sat, watching a movie. A very interesting movie. “It’s too late, I should sleep now.”, she thought to herself. She turned her laptop off and pulled the blanket over her. 

There was silence. The lights were dim. The fan was also still. The only thing that made sound was the hand of her tiny alarm clock. She yawned, sighed and closed here eyes.
*Knock knock*
Now her eyes were wide open. She gasped but softly. Her roommate was at her friend’s place for the night and no one else was supposed to be in the house at this hour. She had heard a lot of stories about the ghostly history of the house but was never convinced enough. 
A drop of sweat trickled down her forehead. Was it because of the blanket covering her head or because of the knock?
*Knock knock*
Now it was time to panic. This knock came from her balcony. All her bravery had suddenly been cloaked. She hunted for her cell phone and not so surprisingly, she couldn’t find it. The thought of peeping through the blanket and looking at the balcony was slinking away.
She had decided. She wrapped herself in the blanket and counted the apparent ghosts till she passed out.